Last night I ventured out with a bunch of friends with the excitement in me knowing it would be a great one. But I think the over excitement and expectations of the night worked against me and resulted in me feeling my ultimate worse.
To begin with I was having a great time, despite being in clubs I would never venture to – but I’m always up for trying things so why the hell not?! Drinks were coming in, laughs were heard and dance moves were shaken. But somehow, in the mass of faces I felt out of place and very alone.
I wasn’t used to the atmosphere, and apart from my workmates, I was surrounded by pretentious people with enough ego to bring the ceiling down. And with that, my confidence shrunk even more than it was before I stepped foot in the club.
Not that I was comparing myself to others, but I really felt I didn’t fit in. And I hate to admit that. I’m not someone who changes for anyone. I want to be myself, and not be someone who isn’t the real me. But somehow, I found myself looking at others and telling myself I wore the wrong outfit, or did my hair wrong, or should pose different in photos.
It wasn’t something I normally do, but I somehow felt compelled to do it and it made me feel awful.
When I was travelling – yes I looked at others and wished I could be a little more like them – but it made me realise more that it’s great to be different. I was a free bird and some of these people would be long gone by the time I would let it really get to me. I felt like a free spirit and that was more important than anything to me.
For some reason, last night I felt trapped. As everyone was dancing together and chatting amongst themselves I felt like the odd one out. More than ever. I didn’t like myself because of other people. I don’t even know why I was like this, but by the end of the evening I found myself in tears.
Perhaps a little intoxicated I’ll admit, but the tears confirmed that this wasn’t me and in some way I was upset with myself for trying to be this other person.
All of what happened in those few hours confirmed to me who my friends are and how much I appreciate them and love them. Not just for being my true friends, but for loving me for who I am and not making me feel like changing into something else. They love me for me.
And also my boyfriend for liking me as I am. As much as I criticise myself and lack in self confidence, he still tells me he wants me. He still pushes through the tough times of a long distance relationship and wants to travel with me for as long as possible. I can be me, and not feel the urge to change it to please others.
The revelations of last night have also pushed me even more for travelling. I can be myself even more when I’m out in the big bad world because out there everyone can be different and be accepted for who they really are. I’m not squashed into a tiny space and made to feel like I need to slot in with all the other identical manikins. Travel is what makes me – ME!!
That’s how it should always be, and even if I am the laughing stock of the gossip, I couldn’t care less. I’ll be myself thanks, cause otherwise – what would be the point in us all being here?